🗂️Keep in Mind The Out-of-Touch Adults' Guide to Kid Culture: What Does 'Nothing Ever Happens' Mean?

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This week, we delve into the internet-common phrase "nothing ever happens" and parse what it means when young people say it. There's also some new slang to learn, a TikTok panic being born, and a puzzlingly popular Christmas album to listen to.

What does “nothing ever happens” mean?​

The phrase “nothing ever happens” has been kicking around the internet for several years, but it’s been gaining popularity quickly over the last few days in relation to current events in South Korea.

The phrase actually has two different, related meanings, depending on how and where it’s used. The first usage refers to how people in internet communities communicate. When someone posts a picture or description of something that is even slightly unusual, the online response is often “That didn’t happen.” But if you think “that kind of thing happens all the time,” you might post a sarcastic “nothing ever happens.” For some examples, check out Reddit’s r/nothingeverhappens community.

The second meaning of the phrase is a little deeper and relates to recent history. “Nothing ever happens” is shorthand for the idea that no important global events have happened since the Cold War ended, and that nothing will continue to happen in the future. It’s often used as a response to people predicting imminent doom, excitedly proclaiming “it’s happening!” or it’s used as an expression of general dissatisfaction with a stagnant culture. Some examples of things that didn’t happen recently include Donald Trump being put in jail, society changing in some significant way because of Covid or the George Floyd protests, and, most recently, the coup attempt in South Korea that ended in a couple hours with no coup. As an older, (maybe) wiser person, I think this is a petulant reaction to the historically unprecedented comfort and security of American citizens. No one in Ukraine would say that nothing happens, for instance. But in the U.S., we’ve been soaking in stability for so long that “everyone has enough food” and “you are unlikely to be conscripted” seem like the norm and not an anomaly.

I'd like to explain to every cynical Western youth why they should be thankful every day for the nothing that happens, and how making nothing happen was the goal, beginning in the late 1940s, because the world was very tired of things happening. But alas, they'll see what I mean eventually, one way of the other.

What does “when you up pole” mean?​

Memes using the phrase “when you up pole” are becoming increasingly popular lately. The word “pole” is slang for gun. To “up pole” is to raise a gun toward someone. So the memes are meant to illustrate the reaction of people when you brandish a firearm. Like most current slang, “pole” originated in AAVE. It was popularized by rapper Chief Keef in his 2012 track "Love SOSA.” Chief Keef’s influence on modern pop culture cannot be overstated. (Check out our slang guide for more definitions of Gen Z and Gen Alpha words.)

Soulja Boy's "Crank That" returns and brings controversy​

Time, as they say, is a flat circle. Case in point: People are listening to Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” again. The song was inescapable when it came out in 2007. It went viral enough that over half a billion people have viewed the “Crank That” video on YouTube alone. Then people forgot about Soulja Boy (not totally, of course). But now he’s back, in TikTok form. TikTokers have recently been making up dances to the track and adding “Superman”-like flying to Soulja’s original moves. Seems simple enough, but there is drama. First, there’s the music. The track that accompanied the dance moves seems to have not actually been credited to Soulja Boy, so the tune was pulled, and videos of the dance are now silent, even though they often have tens of millions of views. Then there’s the danger. Some of the new dances for “Crank That” involve dropping people. In Israel, supposedly, 19 children have already been hospitalized from doing the dance. Despite being on the Internet, I find this report highly suspicious—do Israeli hospitals compile stats on what dances kids were doing when they were injured?—but it doesn't really matter, because now people are aware that there's a dangerous challenge. TikTok has responded by placing a “doing this could be dangerous” disclaimer on the Superman videos, and, if enough people become alarmed, I’m confident they’ll pull the videos.

Viral Video of the week: "A Very 1999 Christmas"​

While the mainstream music world is hyping Christmas albums from the likes of Jennifer Hudson and Little Big Town, the kids on the internet are into Jschlatt’s A Very 1999 Christmas. The collection of big-band-style Christmas standards has been listened to 1.6 million times in its first couple days of release on YouTube. It’s hard to understand exactly why at first—it’s a competently performed collection of well-known holiday songs, but why does anyone under 50 care? It turns out the record’s backstory is more interesting than the music itself.

Jschlatt is not a singer. He is a 25-year-old video game streamer, and he recorded the album as an experiment. He hired vocal coaches to teach him how to sing in a style influenced by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, employed legit saxophonist Tom Scott, a founding member of the Blues Brothers Band, to write new arrangements, and gathered a full orchestra at LA’s Sound Factory studio. Dude basically spent the last year making an album just because.

The result is pretty good. It’s not annoying, and it’s nice to hear real musicians play instruments. My favorite track on the album is the lesser-known Christmas song “Happy Holidays.” But there’s still this weird mystery about the whole project. What does it have to do with 1999? And why bother when there are so many better recordings of these songs? JSchlatt is fine, but if you compare Ray Charles singing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” to to JSchlatt’s version, the lack of chops is evident. Still, the kids like it in the same way they like Laufey and not Ella Fitzgerald. Young people preferring the watered-down echo of art to the genuine article isn't new, and hopefully it will lead some of them to seek out the source material.
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